Yesterday was a day of traveling afield, seeking out new territories upon which to ask new questions…and failing to conquer an old one.
The day began, as many of my best days usually do, with an immersion in books…our tour of the Regenstein Library, where I discovered the existence of several Trollopian first editions and got to actually touch a William Blake series of engravings of the Book of Job, which coincidentally I am reading right now…what I'll never forget about Blake is a year ago, studying for the GRE, I read several excerpts from Songs of Experience before a shift at Barnes & Noble and spent an hour feeling very depressed, where smiling was an effort…
(Isn't the contrast between "The Lamb" and "The Tyger" overwhelming, that the same all-powerful being who made the gentlest of souls also made that "fearful symmetry?")
Professor Levin is a heck of a lecturer. Unlike Professor Miller, whom he matches in being able to talk for 75 minutes on one subject and sound in control the whole time, he moves around, gets animated, draws comparisons between The Interpretation of Dreams and Taster's Choice commercials…hee…
Then I read my first academic essay on Trollope, Ayelet Ben-Yishai's "The Fact of a Rumor," which established the crucial importance for me of The Eustace Diamonds in the Grand Narrative. The central figures of the Palliser Saga only appear, in her words, as "spectator-commentators," but it is their judgment of Lizzie's scheming which drives the plot onward, and in their reactions, the reader comes to understand the way they think and react to life…it is a case study in their psychology. Understanding this enables us to read the entire Saga in a new light by knowing a little better exactly why the characters behave as they do.
My meeting with Abigail was a bit of a mixed bag. On the one hand, she opened up a whole range of possibilities for me I hadn't considered in terms of my academics. On the other hand, I felt a terrible guilt all through the meeting. She was impressed by how much planning I put into picking courses but was worried I was consigning myself too narrowly, and I suddenly became afraid of being obstinate…she assured me I wasn't, but as my family knows, I find it hard to accept other people's analysis of my behavior. Then, she was running late, and I was her next-to-last meeting before Chelsie, who needed to catch a downtown bus, so my sense of guilt increased. Why, oh why, do I keep feeling a need to assume all the problems in a situation are my fault?
But the night ended well…after a long walk to Treasure Island, I met Karen and Stuart Singerman at their apartment for the first MAPH Board Game Night. Almost twenty of us crammed in and, wanting to interact with more people, I chose the larger table where Apples to Apples and Trivial Pursuit were the battlegrounds of the day. However…not everyone knew about my past television experience. I should have excused myself, but I hadn't played any trivia in months and Trivial Pursuit in particular, such a part of my childhood, in three years (people stopped wanting to play with me after high school), so I couldn't resist. Now Stephen and I SHOULD HAVE WON, but since we had six pie pieces before any other team had two, the rule became that we had to answer every question on the card in the center circle, and we got five…but missed a teaser about bullfighters, so after the time limit ran out the game ended in a draw.
And for all the fun, there was still a lingering unease that I had gotten too showy of myself in front of my new colleagues by doing nothing but playing a game. I never made a point about Jeopardy, but as things unfolded there was an increasing sense of good-natured groaning and accusations that Stephen (a GREAT partner) wasn't doing anything for us (completely untrue). I hate being the center of attention, and I was worried that this would put me in ill-standing. But Matt, who drove me home, told me that if I did stand out, it was with good reason, and I really fit in.
That's what I wanted so badly from this program, to find a community where I could learn from others and be one of a group and not anyone particularly special. And yesterday I had lunch with one set of people, after-class drinks with another, and game night consisted of a completely different third. I've never had so many friends so fast…I love it here.
Only problem with last night? Karen and Stuart (who got engaged when he proposed to her at graduation from Kenyon, an event captured forever in a sweet photograph) were TOO hospitable. They never buy bread, and I'm a sucker for homemade bread, so Karen and I ate a great deal of her two loaves, and there were far too many snacks, and wine, and sherry…let's just say today I was glad to have a good workout.
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